Chapter 16
A chill ran through my heart.
Fourth Master Zhao asked, “Then what are you two doing coming back looking like this? How many times have I told you? You are grown adults, and my Zhao family requires face, requires propriety. Yixin, you are more sensible than he is. Don’t always keep spoiling himâmanage him a bit. Why are you fooling around right along with him?”
Zhao Gongzi furrowed his brows. “He can’t manage a damn thing!”
Thirteenth Concubine scolded him, “Is that any way to speak to your father?”
Zhao Gongzi endured it and said, “I have something to say to Dad, in private.”
I looked at him nervously.
Fourth Master Zhao glanced at me. “Yixin, you send her back to rest, then come down to the study.”
I only had a very short lifespan remaining. The moment I finished sending Thirteenth Concubine back would be the moment I sent myself to the grave.
I arrived at the study. Pushing the door open, I saw Zhao Gongzi sitting with his back facing me.
Fourth Master Zhao asked me, “Do you know what this is about?”
I maintained my silence, because every single word I uttered would be used as evidence against me in a court of law.
Zhao Gongzi said impatiently, “I don’t want to sleep with him anymore, but he refuses to leave.”
Fourth Master Zhao looked at me.
Zhao Gongzi threw a tantrum: “He was fucking picked up by the family, did he really start taking himself for my wife? I don’t want to play anymore, yet I can’t shake him off? Dad, why are you looking at him? Do I really need his fucking permission to dump him?”
Fourth Master Zhao asked me, “Why are you two fighting?”
I said, “I don’t know.”
Zhao Gongzi cursed at me, “Damn it! You still don’t know? It’s not like I haven’t told you. I’m sick and tired of you. Just take the money and get the fuck out, alright?” Then he said to Fourth Master Zhao, “He even beat up Jin Xian’er!”
Fourth Master Zhao lectured him, “Back then, you were the one who insisted onâ”
“I’ve grown tired of playing,” Zhao Gongzi said coldly. “He’s getting up there in age, just let him take some money and leave.”
Fourth Master Zhao knew Zhao Gongzi’s temperament and figured he would bound to regret it. Therefore, he didn’t truly make me leave, merely telling the two of us to calm downâprincipally to let Zhao Gongzi cool off.
Fourth Master Zhao kept me behind alone. For a very long time, he didn’t say a word, waiting for me to speak.
To speak meant death, so I might as well not speak. I absolutely would not open my mouth.
Finally, Fourth Master Zhao said, “One must cherish one’s blessings. Your blessings are quite grand.”
I nodded silently.
Fourth Master Zhao added, “Have you been left lacking in food or clothing?”
I said, “No.”
Fourth Master Zhao said, “Then don’t do so much work. Xiao Long likes to have someone accompanying him, yet you’re always nowhere to be seen.”
I said, “Understood.”
Fourth Master Zhao said, “He is in the heat of passion and anger right now. Don’t bother him for the time being.”
I said, “Understood.”
Zhao Gongzi disliked the main mansion, so we still returned to the apartment.
He asked me, “What are you still following me here for?”
I said, “To pack my bags.”
He looked at me coldly.
I didn’t have much luggage anyway, so I just scooped up Ham, preparing to leave.
Zhao Gongzi said coldly, “My dog. Put him down.”
I said, “I’m the one who picked Ham up.”
Zhao Gongzi said, “You were fucking picked up by me too! Put my dog down!”
I set Ham down, no longer knowing what luggage I was supposed to pack.
Zhao Gongzi wrote out a check. “Take it and beat it.”
To say this might make me seem affected, but at this moment, I didn’t want to beat it anymore. I didn’t know where I could go. I was the one who rented this apartment, I was the one who picked up this dog, and I was the one who asked Jin Xian’er to help me pay the water and electricity bills. This was my home.
Zhao Gongzi barked at me, “Damn it, haven’t you wanted to get the fuck out every single day? Hurry up and beat it! You like this one and you like that one, go look for them. Get out, get out, get out!”
Thirteenth Concubine was pregnant. In the future, Zhao Gongzi would no longer be the youngest child. He even envied Fifth Brother; who knows, he might end up wanting to choke his full-blooded younger brother or sister to deathâa tragic human spectacle.
I wanted very much to say that I wasn’t leaving, but in the end, I failed to say it.
I wanted freedom and independence. I craved dignity and equality. I didn’t like Zhao Gongzi; he was always so loathsome.
I suddenly remembered that during the marathon race, he had been leading by a wide margin, yet he stopped right before the finish line, turned back to look at me, and asked if I wanted to win first placeâif I did, he would let me cross first. I had been running until I was on the verge of breathing my last, while he was so casual about it, not caring in the slightest.
The things I desired were always things he could obtain effortlessly (aside from exam scores and various talents that required a brain), which was why he never cherished them.
I hate Zhao Gongzi.
I moved out to live on my own. I borrowed a bit of money from a friend to rent a room, which I would be able to pay back once I received my salary.
Without Zhao Gongzi, I fared very well. I had a great deal of extra time every day, allowing me to do more work. I like working; only work can make me feel like an independent person, rather than a kept plaything or a pitiful wretch.
At the very least, work was something I could use to deceive myself in this manner.
Jin Xian’er came to see me and asked what had happened. He said Zhao Gongzi had given him a beating and forced him to admit that I was the one who beat him.
I had no choice but to say I was sorry.
Jin Xian’er said, “It doesn’t matter. I gave him a beating in return too.”
I: “…”
Jin Xian’er said, “I didn’t use too much strength. You don’t need to feel distressed for him.”
I didn’t feel distressed for either one of you; I felt distressed for myself, since I could be buried alive at any given moment.
I really wanted to beg the two of them to just grant me a way to survive.
A month later, I spotted Zhao Gongzi on the street. He was walking Ham, my dog. To be precise, the lady beside him was walking my dog, while he was indifferently eating chocolate.
Two months later, I spotted Zhao Gongzi in the park. He was playing Frisbee with Ham, my Ham. To be precise, the gentleman beside him was playing Frisbee with my Ham, while Zhao Gongzi was indifferently eating chocolate.
Three months later, I spotted Zhao Gongzi at Fourth Master Zhao’s ball. He was still indifferently eating chocolate.
He couldn’t go on eating chocolate like this.
Thirteenth Concubine said to me, “Yixin, Xiao Long cannot go on eating like this. It doesn’t matter that he’s getting fat, but he wears slippers even when going out now, he doesn’t comb his hair, he throws his clothes on in a total messâdo you know he doesn’t even apply vanishing cream anymore?”
