AZG 02

Chapter 02

A Third Party Intervenes

Zhao Gongzi said, “Fine, then go find him.”

I asked, “Really?”

Zhao Gongzi said, “If it’s not real, is it fake? Roll out, roll out, roll out.”

I turned around decisively and broke into a full-on sprint, not pausing for a single step.

Even so, I didn’t make it.

Zhao Gongzi, like a mini-tornado, whipped over to the doorway, deadbolted the door from the inside, and pointed at me. “You’re fucking leaving for real?! Use your brain for a second—how is that even possible?! Did your schooling go straight into your asshole?!”

I said, “You told me to leave.”

Zhao Gongzi asked, “Then if I told you not to leave, would you actually stay? When the fuck have you ever listened to me?!”

I said earnestly and painstakingly, “You and I truly have no love between us.”

Zhao Gongzi roared at me, “Only a ghost would want to have love with you! I just want to sleep with you! Can you fucking get that straight?!”

I continued patiently, “Jin Xian’er particularly likes you. He loves you.”

Zhao Gongzi roared at me again, “I already told you, I haven’t fucking slept with him! Are you going to keep bringing this shit up with me until next year?!”

I still persisted patiently, “There is no happiness to be found in a forced relationship.”

Zhao Gongzi kept roaring, “If you keep this up, you’re going to drive Jin Xian’er to suicide. Do you want to force me to banish him to another city?!”

I said calmly, “I already stopped mentioning Jin Xian’er.”

Zhao Gongzi roared at me, “Where have I ever done you wrong?! Every damn day it’s like this! From your class monitor, to your teacher, to my dad! Ah! You even fancied my uncle once! Ah! And that martial arts actor—I don’t even remember what his name was! Ah! That laborer who carries the rice sacks! Ah! That bank teller! Ah! That foreigner at the pastry shop! Ah! And this fucking time, you even want to fancy a eunuch! Ah!”

Me: “Ah?”

“Ah your mother’s head, ah!” Zhao Gongzi throttled my neck and roared, “Zheng Qi is a fucking dead eunuch, can’t you tell?!”

Me: “Ah?”

“Ah your mother’s head, ah!” Zhao Gongzi continued to throttle my neck. “Are you fucking blind?! How do you think he made his fortune? He smuggled antiques out of the imperial palace to sell them!”

I said steadily, “Platonic.”

Zhao Gongzi asked, “Pla-what-nic?”

I said, “Platonic.”

He asked, “What kind of fucking ghost is that supposed to be?!”

I said, “This is precisely the reason why you and I can never generate love. We have absolutely no common topics or hobbies.”

He said, “I never planned on having common topics or hobbies with you anyway!”

I said, “I don’t care if he’s a eunuch or not. I only care if he understands Plato.”

Zhao Gongzi asked, “Then do you care if he has a wife?”

Me: “Ah?”

Zhao Gongzi said, “A palace maid! A palace spouse! The woman who’s constantly trailing behind him!”

I asked, “Isn’t that his sworn sister?”

Zhao Gongzi gave a cold laugh. “My dad also tells people you’re my sworn younger brother.”

I said earnestly, “Could you please treat me like a true sworn younger brother then?”

Zhao Gongzi said, “Oh, sure.”

It turned out that Zhao Gongzi was an elder brother worse than a beast.

He forced me to call him “Brother” all night long.

Haha.

Thus, another sprout of my love and freedom was strangled in its cradle by Zhao Gongzi.

Loathsome Zhao Gongzi.

Today, I was accused of being a useless man—a kept plaything who can only depend on Zhao Gongzi, a pathetic creature hidden away from the light of day.

I refuted the other party very seriously. First, I once tried my hardest to salvage Zhao Gongzi’s academic grades at school, even attempting to toss him the answers during an exam. He overslept and didn’t finish copying them down; that was his own problem. Second, I am not a kept plaything hidden away from the light of day—at least, not hidden. Every year on my birthday, Zhao Gongzi makes such a fuss that the entire city knows about it, just to ensure I make the front page of the newspaper.

(Only in my head) To be perfectly honest, there are a few times every year where I want to assassinate Zhao Gongzi. (Don’t dare to say it out loud)

The other party was caught somewhat off-guard and demanded to know what abilities I had and how I made a living.

I thought about it seriously. Translating foreign books, submitting social commentaries to publications, covering a weekly foreign literature class at the school, working as a clerk in the internal affairs department of the Central Foreign Trading Firm, and acting as a librarian at the municipal library… I had only done these few things this year.

The other party said I wasn’t worthy of Zhao Gongzi.

Now, this made me unhappy. An empty-headed simpleton like Zhao Gongzi, and I’m not worthy of him? To this day, Zhao Gongzi cannot even fully write out his own Western name from memory.

I picked it for him. It’s Nicholas Spielberg.

As for my own Western name, I went for something a bit more casual: Joey.

Even though I do not love Zhao Gongzi, I am still so sincere and respectful toward him.

Zhao Gongzi has never seriously looked over his Western name. If he actually looked at it once, he would certainly realize that the truth of the world lies in “seeing is believing,” and that the full name is actually very easy to remember.

So I hate Zhao Gongzi; he always disregards other people’s good intentions.

Zhao Gongzi didn’t come home until very late. He asked, “Did Jin Xian’er come looking for you?”

I said, “Yes.”

Zhao Gongzi asked furiously, “What did you say to him? He spent the whole afternoon refusing to sing his opera properly, forcing me to memorize that Western name you gave me!”

I asked, “Did you memorize it?”

Zhao Gongzi: “Memorize your mother!”

I didn’t argue with him and quietly practiced my Tai Chi.

Zhao Gongzi sat nearby, watching me for an hour and scolding me for an hour.

When I took a break, I suggested to him, “Why don’t you mop the floor?”

Zhao Gongzi glared at me. “I have to mop the floor now?! Stop looking for trouble when there is none! If Jin Xian’er gives you trouble, just beat him up! Why do you bring me trouble every single time!”

Why would I beat up Jin Xian’er? Every time Jin Xian’er comes to find me, he brings gifts—different original Western books, or imported chocolates, or particularly interesting novelties, or perfume. Jin Xian’er also chats with me, asking about foreign theater and discussing domestic classics. We always finish our proper business in high spirits before he attempts to provoke me.

In many ways, I believe Jin Xian’er is far better company than Zhao Gongzi. Jin Xian’er’s soul possesses wit and charm. If it weren’t for Zhao Gongzi, Jin Xian’er’s soul would remain interesting forever, and perhaps I would have even shared a romantic love story with him.