RMSBD 09

Chapter – 09 

The Circumstances of Count Clannad Musel (Count Musel’s Perspective)

Ah, my beloved has departed. Leaving behind her daughter Cheryl, who looks just like her.

My beloved Cheryl. But my love was too deep—for my wife, and for my daughter.

If I were to lose Cheryl too, how would I go on living? I considered keeping her by my side and having her marry a man who would take the family name, but if I were to see Cheryl die before me, up close, just like her mother… that thought never leaves my mind.

It’s painful to look at her face. That young, beautiful girl inevitably calls to mind both the happy memories of my wife and her tragic death at the same time. As the years pass, that feeling only grows stronger.

And now, as she heads out to her first ball as an adult, my grown daughter had become even more beautiful than her mother. So dazzling that I couldn’t even bring myself to speak a word to her. Having spent years avoiding my daughter, I had lost not only the words to say to her but my very voice. She gave a single curtsey and left. She would not return to my side. I was certain of that.

—

I began avoiding Cheryl immediately after my first wife passed away. I acted as if Cheryl didn’t exist, and as soon as the mourning period ended, I sought a young daughter of a baronial house as my new bride.

She was a young woman with a poor reputation. Since she likely had no other prospects, I thought that even if she took a lover on the side, she would at least bear me a male heir.

It’s a terrible thing, even by my own standards. Taking a girl still in her teens as a bride, not even giving her a proper wedding. And on top of that, I would likely never love her. All my love was directed at my first wife and Cheryl—and because I loved Cheryl so much, precisely because she reminded me of my deceased wife, I couldn’t offer that love to anyone else.

I know I am a weak man. At the very least, I threw myself into my work so that she wouldn’t suffer financially or socially, and I tried not to think about Cheryl.

Completely avoiding Cheryl, who was still so young… I couldn’t be that cruel. So I tried to interact with her as much as I could. Forgetting that time flows differently for adults and children.

When I took in my new bride—Linaria—she said to me: she understood my feelings. That love given is not always returned, that it can be suddenly lost—she had experienced that many times herself.

During our meals together after the engagement, we both came to understand that we would never love each other. But I felt that she was someone I could entrust Cheryl to.

My young betrothed, though she knew nothing of the happiness of loving and being loved, did know the exhaustion that love brings, and how love can throw one’s life into chaos.

Rumors and public opinion were unreliable. She was only nineteen, yet she had simply been betrayed by too many men.

And she declared that she would pour her love into Cheryl and the child we would eventually have.

I’ll say it as many times as I need to: I love my first wife and Cheryl too much. So much that I can only relate to Cheryl in a distorted way. Toward my future child as well, I surely won’t be able to feel this much love. I fervently prayed that the firstborn would be a boy. I didn’t want to add any more unequal love to this world.

No matter how twisted, no matter how indifferent I may appear from the outside or to Cheryl—I love Cheryl too much. At the very least, until I can stop remembering my first wife’s final moments, I will work steadily so that Cheryl never suffers financially or socially. I kept telling myself that, chanting it like a spell in my heart, and I had carried it out.

And to my future child, I ask for forgiveness. If a boy, I would from the start give him an education befitting my heir. If a girl… I would leave everything to Linaria.

Fortunately, my first child was a boy—Jules. That child is clever and bright.

Jules came into my care around the time he became aware of the world. And the very first thing I did was make him promise me one thing.

When he asked me why, I told him it was to protect Cheryl. Though he didn’t fully understand, he agreed—and he has kept that promise ever since, simply because it meant protecting his sister.

Today was different. Just for today, I could have praised Cheryl. And yet, I had lost my voice. What a pathetic man I am.

It’s not that I lack affection for Jules or Linaria. It’s just that I can never love them as much as I loved my first wife, or as much as I love Cheryl.

When Jules was born, on Linaria’s strong recommendation, we decided that she would raise him until he turned five.

She said that there is a period when a child must absolutely be loved and protected. Even if they forget it as adults, the fact that they were raised with love will sustain them for life.

I am truly weak and cruel. Linaria’s words are the truth. I left Cheryl alone for a year after she lost her mother, at the very time she needed a parent.

Linaria, as if to make up for that, raised both Cheryl and Jules with love.

Now, it’s too late for me to play the father to Cheryl. I love her too much, and because of that, I have pushed her too far away.

Linaria instilled in Cheryl what she called “twisted values.” She enforced this thoroughly with the servants, with me, and with Jules—sometimes even playing the villain herself to hide Cheryl’s own beauty from her.

Cheryl is a cute, beautiful child. She has deliberately and harshly denied her own appearance. But in return, she has poured abundant love into every other aspect.

As for raising Jules, calling him a cute child—that was likely because once his education as my heir began, there would be no one left to say such things to him.

Memories become strength. Great strength to endure hardship. Linaria believed that, and raised Cheryl and Jules accordingly.

Jules is a boy. From now on, I can teach him how to behave as a man and a gentleman.

But Cheryl is a girl. Linaria was convinced that if Cheryl were raised as a delicate young lady, pampered and sheltered, she would suffer.

So, from the very first time they met, Linaria never failed to disparage Cheryl’s appearance alone.

If only I were a stronger, gentler man. If only I had the strength to come to terms with my past memories and face Cheryl, who grows more beautiful and resembles my wife more each day.

Linaria, Jules, and my most beloved Cheryl.

I’m sorry for leaving everything to you young ones. I am angry at myself—truly, unbearably pathetic—for being aware of my own distortion yet lacking the strength to stop it.

I will guarantee your livelihood, your status, everything. On that front, I will absolutely never let you suffer. This is about all I can do for my three family members.

I hold you all dear. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t reach you. I will remain an indifferent father and husband.

Though I am this fragile and pathetic man, when something happens to my family… I will surely come to your aid.

Tonight, too, I will dine alone in my study. Just thinking that at this very moment, someone might appear who will protect my beautifully grown Cheryl brought tears to my eyes.

I love Linaria as family. I love Jules, born between us, and above all, I love Cheryl.

Yes, I love them. It’s just that I have already put too great a distance of time between us to declare it now. Jules… perhaps it’s not too late for him.

When did I stop tasting my solitary meals? This must be my punishment. If only I had been a proper father and husband…

If I am permitted to dream—

Someday, I want to tell my family.

That I love them.